Alfred Vs. Fabian---The First Local Celebrity Challenge

This was a tough one, folks. I really shouldn't have set my goals so high for the first ever local celebrity challenge. But, you know what I always say, go big or go home!*

The first round: a side-by-side view of stats


As you can see from the awesome chart I made, they are both 26, and they both have totally sweet pick-up lines. But, Fabian shot himself in the foot by not adding me on Myspace. His page is private so I couldn't see how many friends he had. And I am not a real journalist, so I wasn't going to do any investigating. Fabian did say in his interview that he had five more friends than Alfred did, but I cannot confirm this. So a half point for Fabian.

The second round: my take on their "interviews"

I interview both Alfred and Fabian through e-mails, but I was lucky enough to see them both at the RCF this past weekend to talk to them face-to-face. Fabian likes anchovies with his pizza, but not on them. He likes them "on the side." He says he owns over 1,000 records on vinyl. I have not been able to confirm this. Alfred, on the other hand only has 100, but he is "bad at keeping inventory." Alfred probably doesn't like anchovies. I am pretty sure he is vegetarian, but I have overheard him telling someone that he doesn't go around proclaiming he is vegetarian because he doesn't like making people feel like shit about it. One point for Fabian for the records. One point for Alfred for not being pretentious about his eating habits. So far, the score is Alfred 2, Fabian 1.5

Because Fabian and Alfred seem to be pretty decent friends (they have known each other for approximately 11 years, and have cuddled together before), the real test for this challenge in particular was to see who would stoop low enough to talk smack about the other.

The responses?

Fabian: "i heard he beats women and calls them unsavory names"
Alfred: "Fabian is a charming young man. That is not gossip nor made up. It's the truth."

To be fair, though, I told them to talk smack about their opponents. So scratch that part about it being important. One point to both competitors for answering the question. Score now stands at Alfred 3, Fabian 2.5

PART THREE: SECRET INTERVIEWS!!!

Rock City Fest gave me a chance to get down to the real truth of it all: what did other people have to say about the challengers?

From these serious secret interviews, I came down to one conclusion: it was stupid to pit two friends against each other. People were very hesitant to pick either one. I heard some good things, and some bad things. Apparently, both Alfred and Fabian are egomaniacs. But very friendly egomaniacs. Three points for both, Alfred 6, Fabian 5.5

So who the hell is the winner???? Jesus Christ, I am getting to that.

The deciding factor: "Alfred is a total asshole, but it is fucking hilarious, and he always makes me laugh."--anonymous friend

And the winner is...

ALFRED!!!

Congratulations, Alfred. You will get a free pack of cigarettes when I see you next. Sorry, Fabian. You were VERY close though.

*Actually, that is the first time I have said that.

I would like to apologize for the overusage of the colon in this blog.