Friday, June 27, 2008

Local Celebrity Challenge II: Battle of the Bloggers

Bloggers (or Escribitionists, if you feel so inclined). They are the foundation of our society. Before there was blogging, there were no bloggers, and thus, no foundation for our society. It was a sad, sad world before the Internetz. How did people communicate? That's another blog for another day, kids. Today, though, we celebrate two of the most popular bloggers in the history of the world (Detroit) with a BATTLE OF THE BLOGGERS. Whoever loses this challenge will be fed to Kwame Kilpatrick.

And so it begins...

Elle: State your name and your blog address.
Scotter: Scotter,
Jasper: Jasper,

L: How long have you been blogging?
S: Two years. It's my blogging birthday this month!
J: Since February 2005. Wow, that sounds terrible.

L: What do you hate about Michigan?
S: No public transpo.
J: Michiganders.

L: What do you love about Michigan?
S: I like my lakes great.
J: That we say "pop" instead of "soda". Fuck soda.

L: Ramble for at least one paragraph about something that is ultra-obscure.

S: If you read the first few pages of the Great Gatsby carefully, you'll see that there's an amazing moment of subtle foreshadowing in the smallest detail of Fitzgerald's diction. You see, the narrator Nick Carroway says "Gatsby was all right in the end" right at the beginning, but this is a red herring of sorts. Notice that he writes "all right," not "alright." Gatsby's dream was, according to Carroway, "all right." It was the right vision. However, Gatsby certainly wasn't "alright" in the end. He got shot in his pool at the end, and dies.

J: Vulgar is an album released by Dir en grey on September 10, 2003 in Japan and on February 21, 2006 in Europe. A limited edition containing an additional DVD was also released. It featured the video of the song "Obscure", albeit a censored version (the uncensored clip was later released on the Average Psycho DVD). Vulgar is the first Dir en grey release not to feature individual credits for the music (credits for track 9, 11 and 14 taken from the respective singles). The original Japanese title of track four offers several ways of romanization, namely "shokubeni" and "syokubeni" (the latter being used on Dir en grey's official website).

L: What is your best pick-up line?
S: "You're so hot, it makes me feel alive."
J: It's less of a line, and more of a threatening stare while humping a bar stool or table. Chicks eat that shit up.

L: What is your most interesting story that takes place in Detroit?
S: On Opening Day this year, I got thrown out of the same bar twice in one day.
J: So this one time, really early in the morning after a party or something, a guy was driving down Woodward or Cass or wherever and a hooker flagged him down. Being curious, he pulled over to learn the woman needed a ride. Being half-drunk and half-retarded, the man asked "what's in it for me?". At that point a hooker titty was presented through the driver's window, and the dude actually put that thing in his mouth. After that exchange was over, the woman went to open the back door, but the man sped off. His reason for fleeing: "That chick was filthy. I didn't want her in my car." Yet somehow he considered her clean enough to put in his mouth.

L: Do you have any juicy gossip about your opponent?
S: His favorite show is the Smurfs, which caused his everlasting guilty pleasure love of The Blue Man Group. He has another blog--a fan blog--about them that he doesn't disclose to anyone else. In that blog, he is pictured de-bagged, but with blue paint all over his face.
J: The man [from the story] is Scotter.

Once again, I feel like I have set myself up for a huge headache trying to decide the winner.

The fan favorite is Scotter. I didn't even have to ask for the opinions of others on this one. My mailbox was inundated with messages like "I LOVE SCOTTER" and "SCOTTER IS THE COOLEST DUDE EVER" and "HIS BREATH SMELLS LIKE VANILLA ICE CREAM." But Scotter himself even said that he is undeserving of such a title. I think he was just afraid that Jasper might hunt him down in the alley behind The Bronx and put a bag over his head (unless it was plastic, I don't see this as being too much of a threat).

All joking aside (don't you hate when people use that term too much?), the deciding factor came down to the answer to this question: "What is your favourite punctuation mark?"

S: Is the semicolon a punctuation mark? I guess it's not, because it's not punctuating anything--it's a wall between two clauses that are equal, perhaps a "no-man's land" in the battle for clause supremacy. Either way, I still choose the semicolon, although I hate when it's used in an emoticon.
J: The dash, obviously. It tricks people into not noticing run-on sentences by a rambling bloggers -- most of us don't know how to properly use commas and semicolons and shit like that anyway. The dash is the punctuation magician -- it makes unintelligible crap more readable.

Scotter, the semicolon is a punctuation mark according to Wikipedia (the only source of information that I trust). You can take you Master's degree from whatever school you got it from and kiss my butt. And Jasper, you bagged head scares the crap out of me.

So the winner is...


Totally awesome. I rule.

But since Jasper and Scotter were such great sports, I owe you both a beer or two when I see you next.


godron said...

spoiler alert

thanks for ruining the great gastby

jasper wins because of this

Scotter said...

The way I feel about this whole "competition" can be best described in 0:20-1:20 of this. video.

Fotog said...

I believe everyone involved is insane. More power to you both. Or thrice. Or whatever. Amen on the BREWS.

Ellectrocuted said...

Everyone is a winner in my book.

Ellectrocuted said...